Life Happens For Us, Not To Us

Amid the chaos and distress, how am I benefiting from this situation? How are we benefiting from this situation? What are we learning?

We can't control what happens to us, but we can choose how we respond.

In my work as a hospice nurse, I am daily sitting with people in the midst of some of the most excruciating physical, emotional, and spiritual pain imaginable. Yet this work is fulfilling and meaningful, dare I say enjoyable.

How is this possible?

In Hospice, our philosophy is to "ease" your way on all levels. As a nurse, my job is to assist in managing physical symptoms, yet as we know, all systems are intertwined and connected. Physical pain is inevitably lessened when spiritual or emotional distress is addressed and lessened. As a team, we work together to meet our patients' needs on all these levels.

Yet, how could this be accomplished in the face of utter despair and destruction?

When I look back to even my first dying patient assignment, I had an inner feeling of empathy rather than pity – or sympathy- for the situation, which made all the difference. Empathy and compassion for what they were traversing, without falling into judgment about it, such as "this is terrible, how terrible, how can this be happening," etc.

Instead, the more I helped my patient see the situation as a natural and normal stage and process of life – letting go and leaving the physical body – the more they relaxed and surrendered to the situation, thus allowing more positive experiences to arise.

If we had stayed in the judgment and resistance of the illness, or whatever was causing the end of life – then fear, anger, frustration, helplessness, blame, hate, victimhood – so much negativity can fester and grow – which would allow the pain, emotional distance, sadness to expand.

These feelings, many of which are normal and natural with any letting go, need to be felt and moved through, of course. We are familiar with the "5 stages of grief," and there is no bypassing: Denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and acceptance.

But as we continually try to return to acceptance, trust, and surrender – an openness can occur – in which a deeper letting go can happen. When we let go of the judgment and resistance, we let go of feeding more negativity into the situation. If I were to sit with someone and feel pity and send judgment, hate, and blame, the negativity would worsen, and the pain could become exponential for all concerned. As a nurse, I would quickly burn out and be unable to continue a profession that fostered so much negativity daily.

Instead, from the beginning, I have seen my patients as completely empowered—yes, they are in impossible, heartbreaking situations, but I feel the strength and wholeness of their souls. Their soul is the light in them that is moving through this experience for whatever reason and is perfect, whole, and complete no matter what.

I see people in their strength and wholeness, their hearts opening amid great suffering, illness, and accidents (even war)—these are not things we can control. Yet we are not victims—to experience these things as a victim is to miss the point, which only adds negativity and keeps it thriving.

Gifts in these situations may include the opportunity for incredible healing: healing of long-standing family conflicts—forgiveness, letting go of past hurts; healing and letting go of shame, forgiving oneself for acts against loved ones and others; and, if possible, finishing long-held or forgotten goals and dreams.

I have seen countless times family and friends rally around a dying loved one, being there in love and service in ways they previously never allowed themselves or didn't know they could. Letting go of old hurts and patterns of relating and stepping up to be of service in love, helping each other, and pulling together as a family or community allows miracles to occur.

I see these miracles every day.

Life happens for us, not to us. To stay in or keep a victim mindset is to miss the healing gifts present in adversity. To remain in victim consciousness/identity is to continue projecting negativity out into the world, which will only expand and ultimately return to us, creating even more negativity in our situation and life.

We live in a world of contrasts – extreme suffering and pain are possible here. It is hard to imagine that, as spiritual beings having a human experience, we would ever choose to experience pain and suffering. But, if we are experiencing them, it is an opportunity to grow. Suffering is optional; it is a choice – I see this daily. Let me explain.

Suffering can be transformed into growth and expansion when we accept, not reject, reality. Sometimes, nothing can be done except let go and accept. In this acceptance, a specific neutralization occurs—the negative energy no longer has a source to feed, so the negativity must end.

Forgiveness, trust, and surrender—forgive yourself for past hurts, let go of blame and lighten your energy.

Trust that life has your back – that things happen for us, not to us – and watch how this relieves the weight of resistance.

Surrender to the situation and see the gifts possible: simply feel how the nervous system may release and let go, allowing pain to lessen.

Knowing and feeling a benevolent life makes us feel safe. We are safe. We love and are loved.